New stage of life

I’m not sure where to begin, because the last couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Thursday was USC KCM senior banquet. Friday was graduation in the morning, USC KCM senior reception in the evening. At times I would feel so extremely happy and joyful, like standing outside banquet before it started, seeing all the brothers and sisters in my class, dressed nicely and looking so handsome and beautiful. Other times I would feel somber, like waking up Saturday morning after all the ceremonies and celebrations. I sat in the living room of my house at school, already feeling disconnected from everyone, not knowing what they were doing, what their plans were. I prayed that God would help me against all the temptations of post-college life. But it wasn’t all just happy before graduation and sad after graduation. There were times during banquet when I would feel very sad. Those aches of loneliness, those swallowings of my pride, that deep swelling in my heart for the future. There were times during reception when I would feel very peaceful. We were finally done, we made it through, and everyone was congratulating us on our accomplishments. And then I came back home.

I don’t know what it was Saturday night, but I had a really, really hard time focusing on preparations for church. Maybe it was because all the banquet and graduation pictures were being put on Facebook, and those events seemed to have passed so quickly. They seemed so far away already. To be around everyone and now no one. Maybe it was because so few of my friends were on AIM, when normally at night I would see a bunch of them online. I’m jealous for the people who will continue to see some of their USC friends or other college buddies at church, updating one another on their post-college plans, jealous for the people whose church friends came to their graduations. Maybe it was just Satan. Whatever it was, I had a hard time…it didn’t go well.

I fell asleep reading for a few minutes and felt so groggy when I woke up. I just did not feel like doing anything church-related. I didn’t understand why I was so tired; I had gotten 10 hours of sleep the night before. I fell asleep at 10 pm and woke up at 8 the next morning, and the same thing happened after breakfast. Who falls asleep at their computer at 9 in the morning? I felt so horrible. I just wanted to rest, to rest in the Sabbath and receive God’s grace that Sunday. I didn’t practice the praise songs because I didn’t have time. I only did the minimum preparation for Bible study. I didn’t even have a coherent message prepared on Acts 11. Just a few underlined verses and a few thoughts. I was done with school and finals and should have had time to prepare…how did it come to this? My brother is visiting Taiwan for a school trip, so it was just me today. When we started service, it was just me and Grace. By the end of church, I felt encouraged and not totally depressed, but I still have a lot weighing me down. Things I wish I could share, but I have no idea who is reading this.

It’s time for me to take charge, to take responsibility for my time. Whether it’s studying, reading, preparing for church, or meeting friends, I must be deliberate with everything. The only structure I will have is what I make for myself. May I continue to reach out to others for accountability, fellowship, support, and wisdom. To my friends reading this, I need your encouragement. Please be with me as I continue on my journey. Pray for me. And let me know how I can pray for you. Let me know if what I have written has been a blessing to you.

I am so blessed.

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One response to this post.

  1. stay strong Sam. You are definitely not alone ;]

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