Waiting now

I’m starting this at 11:28 pm. It is the end of another long day, another day that goes by too quickly, where I have no downtime between finishing my work and collapsing on my bed. I have had so little time to collect my thoughts and dwell on them, and I really think it is bad for me. My routine: Work, work, work, feel bad that I didn’t get enough work done, then go to sleep, open my eyes in the morning, and do it all over again. I have become a zombie. But I don’t understand how. I spend time with God every morning before I eat breakfast and go to work. I pray for the day, that it might not be wasted, that God would teach me and give me kingdom opportunities. But somehow, I still feel like life has passed me by when Saturday comes.

With most of my law school apps completed and sent, I thought this week wasn’t as tiring as last week. My body is telling me otherwise. On Friday, even with an afternoon nap, I felt so destroyed. I felt so out of it at the gym. So after a somber dinner, I went to bed early and got 8 hours of sleep. By the time I got home in the morning today, though, I again felt tired. Reading was getting agonizing, so I took a 40-minute nap around noon. I ate lunch, then tried to read the same book again, ended up putting my head down while laying on the carpet stomach-down. I think I slept for an hour, and I even had a short dream (in comparison, I didn’t have any dreams this week). I have canker sores and nosebleeds and acne…all annoying reminders telling me I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t understand why I’m like this. I’m not pulling all-nighters, and I don’t have any real stressful things going on. I just sat here for 5 minutes thinking and I don’t know what to write. I can’t seem to snap out of this. I’m going to sleep again feeling like I haven’t gotten enough done.

As I write, I get random thoughts in my head, lessons that I need to remind myself of, but they’re not sticking. They’re not coherent. They’re not convicting enough for me to write down.

The only thing I know about myself after this reflection is that I am weak. And that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I am sad that I am feeling so worn and I am sad to see it in a few of my friends. I don’t know what to do about it except pray that God would help me somehow.

I keep staring at the page feeling like there’s something I need to write. 12:12.

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