Keep on writing

I felt rested yesterday for church, and it made such a difference. My prayers were more focused, my sermon wasn’t so disjointed, even my voice seemed “better” in singing and in projecting as I read and gave the message. I felt “in” it, rather than out of it. Such a difference from last week. I don’t care if people think I’m weird for sleeping early…it makes my life so much better. Better in a non-selfish, objective way. I actually feel like I am honoring God by getting good sleep, haha.

A few things I’ve been thinking about. Bullet-style this time. Many of these aren’t new, but it’s always good to write them down.

  • On weeknights and weekends – I wish could “have nothing to do” after work so I could take up other ministry opportunities besides preparing a message. I want to try something new and meet new people so that I can have opportunities to evangelize. But then I think, would I really take those opportunities? And my conclusion is: got to be faithful with my responsibilities now. Sometimes you have to state the obvious, as retarded as it makes you sound: the church is still a ministry. It sounds ridiculous to have to remind myself that, but it’s true. I just hope that soon we can actually have unbelievers to minister to. Hahahaha, and now I just realized that yes, there are unbelievers here…the PKs who’ve been coming for so long. It’s just that maybe it’s time to move on and put our energy to the plentiful harvest awaiting outside the church walls.
  • Wish I could have a dedicated group of servant leaders that have vision for other areas and can labor with me. Wish there could be someone to think of how to engage the elementary school boys more and someone else to think of how to engage the fob high schoolers more. Wish there could be more people with cars so that rides aren’t a problem. Wish there could be someone to think of ways to reach out to the community. Wish someone could think of something we could do for Thanksgiving and Christmas and lead it (because I don’t really have the motivation or energy to do so). Wish someone could do the church bulletin for us. Wish there could be a strong, solid sister around to lead in ways I cannot.
  • I am pouring out on Sundays but not being poured into. I’m thankful for all the ways I’ve grown despite not having that big brother at church around, but I would probably learn a lot with one. But I have been learning so much from Jake.
  • I’ve been thinking of how my voice may carry an emotion I do not intend. When I don’t make a conscious effort to articulate my words well (as in pronouncing syllables, not overall expression), I feel like the way my voice slurs might make my responses seem brusque or cold. You can tell so much about a person from the way their voice sounds. You can tell how confident a person is, how humble they are, how obnoxious they are, how kind they are. And sometimes I feel that my voice doesn’t reflect the way I actually am.
  • There are a lot of issues with the Korean American Christian bubble that I wish people would acknowledge. One of them is that, to be blunt, I think many Korean Christians I know need to grow up. The only thing about having this opinion is that it is nearly impossible to find the right time to rebuke and confront about these issues. It will never go over well…and it may cause more problems than fix them. It’s a pride issue. And I suspect that the fact that I am younger might sneak in there and foul things up more than they need to. Instead of seeing truth in it, they resent it. The better way for genuine change to happen, I think, is for people to see their own immaturity and shortcomings as they contrast their own characters with another person with a different perspective, someone not so similar (i.e. someone outside the Korean American subculture), someone who doesn’t have their own “history.” But the main obstacle to this is…the only people we hang out with are other Koreans. How do I write about this without coming across as having the same pride I say I can see in others? How do I write this without seeming like I despise the Korean church? I do not. But the Korean church gets really frustrating at times. We got some serious manning up and womanning up to do…
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One response to this post.

  1. I agree that the “Korean (presbyterian) Church” does have a lot of deep issues that desperately need to be broken and healed; it is for sure a pride issue. So much depends on reputation and prosperity in this culture, it’s scary… especially for koreans who’ve come to the states basically to succeed in whatever way possible. For me, having grown up in a rather superficial and cold pastor’s family and a tiny and drama-filled church caused me to resent the korean church and feel hopeless. But I think it’s crucial to have hope and pray for a breakthrough. our God is powerful and compassionate beyond measure, and i know He wants to break the pretenses and fake faith infinitely many times as you and i do. so let’s pray boldly for God to shatter all the lies and renew the korean church!… though this is not to say that it’s ONLY the korean church that has these problems–every single church, despite ethnicity or denomination, struggles with brokenness. as does every individual, Christ-follower or not. but thanks for bringing these problems to light rather than kicking them under the rug or giving up hope completely. it’s very encouraging. :)

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